New Day For The Arkansas Razorbacks: A Hog Football Preview

by WooPigFlowerMound on May 23, 2008

I woke up WAY too early this morning. Something new was going on.My windows were open and the sun broke through the blinds, orange and fresh and cool. Wet honeysuckle was in the air mixed with a faint hint of roadkill opossum. A couple of feral cats were fighting or fornicating or doing something else loud and painful and kinda gross sounding beneath my windowsill. It was a perfect late Spring morning in Arkansas.

The upcoming football season for the Arkansas Razorbacks has some parallels to my A.M. experience. I’m not sure what has stirred me from my sports slumber. Maybe it’s the fresh new day of Coach Bobby Petrino taking the reins of the program. Or perhaps it is the sickening and slightly unnatural sounds of fully grown Hog fans placing their lips squarely on the buttocks of this new coach and letting loose with noisy and wet kisses.

These are strange times in Hawg-land. The epic turmoil of Houston Nutt’s last two seasons has ended and although any sports soap opera that involved…

  1. Lesbian physical therapists that are friendly with the coaches sending drunken threatening emails to a hometown former high-school All-American freshman QB
  2. Self-same freshman QB who had called the coach a “dork” in a really bad book written about said QB’s high-school team and coach transferring to the west coast
  3. Previously mentioned high-school coach who had been hired by the big university to both ensure the commitments of the star QB and 2 other players on that hometown team and to introduce the forward pass to a squad that featured the two best running backs in the history of the school and no credible quarterback to speak of and then left the big university after just one successful season to take on the same job at the football powerhouse of Tulsa University
  4. A fan base so distraught over the treatment of the QB that “FOI-ing” became a commonly used verb throughout the state and the phone records of all the coaches were poured over by a goofball who then professed SHOCK that people would be upset that he was going through their phone records and calling all the numbers to see who they belonged to and giving the information to the board of the big university and making it available to other disgruntled fans who…
  5. Proceeded to write an asinine and childish “white paper” with all the investigative credibility of Geraldo Rivera’s best work and publish it on the internet claiming…

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