Whoops, wrong one.
Eh…here!For the woppussy’s pleasure: BEHOLD as I produce the longest article written about Kansas State University in the history of journalism (written in FAQ form, the #1 writing gimmick of 2011!)
This woppussy cupcake thread has been written with the aid of Saranac Bohemian Pilsner.Q. Article? Journalism? Eh?
A. ”Journalism” defined as loosely as a corn farmer’s daughter.Q. I don’t have access to the newspapers, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen the ebays. I live under a rock, on Mars, with my fingers in my ears. When is the game, and how do I watch it?
Kickoff is Friday, January 6 at 7 p.m. CST.
The game will be broadcast on that channel with the robot that irrationally pisses me off
, and will be called by the incomparable Gus Johnson. Catch the play-by-play by turning your radio dial to your local Razorback Radio Network affiliate. For updates, direct your ebay browser to Woopig.net, the leader in Razorback fandom since the beginning of earth.Q. A top ten matchup in the Cotton Bowl…that’s retro. Who we playing?
A. To fit the retro theme, it must be one of the powers of the 60s and 70s, like SMU or Notre Dame. Let me look it up.
Actually, it’s 20th century rent-a-win Kansas State. That’s neat.Q. What facts can you tell me about Kansas State University
A. I don’t have any facts, but I do have my best slightly-drunken guesses!Location
4004 BCFormer names
Bleeding Kansas State; Bleeding Gash State; Lame Joke About Corn StateEndowment
One trillion acresMale:female ratio
Big EastQ. Manhattan, KS? Is that by NASCAR track?
A. It’s somewhere in the green blob.Q. Okay, I suppose you do the boring schedule/results thing now
09/03/11 vs. Eastern Kentucky W, 10-7
09/17/11 vs. Kent State W, 37-0
09/24/11 at Miami W, 28-24
10/01/11 vs. Baylor W, 36-35
10/08/11 vs. Missouri W, 24-17
10/15/11 at Texas Tech W, 41-34
10/22/11 at Kansas W, 59-21
10/29/11 vs. Oklahoma L, 58-17
11/05/11 at Oklahoma State. L, 52-45
11/12/11 vs. Texas A&M W, 53-50
11/19/11 at Texas W, 17-13
12/03/11 vs. Iowa State W, 30-23Fun fact:
K-State was an underdog four straight games against Miami, Baylor, Mizzou, and TT, and was outgained by an average of 437 to 345 yards in those games, but they won all four! (I have no idea if this is true.) Q. In this section, can you post pictures labeled “Kansas State cheerleaders” with no effort to verify?
A. Can I???Q. I’m an above-average ginger model who has no connection to Kansas State University. Do you have any bikini recs for me?
A. Happily, yes!Q. I read in the Log Cabin Enquirer (I get newspapers now, but I can’t remember their actual names) that we’ve played this team before. True?
A. Sadly, most of our meetings came before K-State went into full rent-a-win mode. They lead the all-time series 3-1.
1910 Fayetteville, AR L 0-5
1911 Kansas City, MO L 0-3
1926 Manhattan, KS L 7-16
1967 Little Rock, AR W 28-7Q. Can you tell me a long, contrived story about the history of K-State football? Ooooo, and while you're telling it, can you pretend like you're the tour guide from the Vice Guide to North Korea?
Since creation of time, Kansas State football has been great source of pride and honor for Manhattan people. Wildcats scored at least 112 point and did not give up single point in every game before 1910. However, great tyranny perpetrated by scum asshole alliance of Kansas, Nebraska, Texas (probably), and Iowa State (why not) conspired to give Kansas State 80 years of many loss from 1910.
In these times, The Dear Leader Bill Snyder was born to virgin in log cabin in cornfields. From the young ages, The Dear Leader Bill Snyder plotted to overcome scum asshole conspiracy, one day leading both Kansas State and Manhattan people back to many glories.
Despite scum asshole conspiracy, this was time of great honor and success for Manhattan people. In year 1939, The Dear Leader Bill Snyder built television antenna out of excess war material, so that Manhattan people could watch from their home glorious defeat of Nebraska asshole scum
The Dear Leader Bill Snyder decided that year 1989 was proper year to restore Kansas State to international glory program. The Dear Leader Bill Snyder immediately taught us that new Powercat
logo give us great courage and strength, and that old cartoon logo
was part of asshole scum conspiracy to make players weak.
In year 1993, The Dear Leader Bill Snyder taught us that we have great success with JUCO thug player whom are not wanted by scum asshole alliance. Wildcats made second-ever bowl game in that year (most all-time of any team ever), beating the #1 Wyoming Asshole Scums in the Copper Wire Bowl Championship Title Glory Game of Universe.Q. Cool story, bro. Then what happened? (this time, in English, plz)
A. Snyder’s team peaked at the beginning of the BCS era, parlaying two straight one-loss regular seasons in ’98 and ’99 into nary a BCS bowl bid.
To everyone outside of west(?) Kansas, K-State’s only lasting football legacy is the “Kansas State Rule,” implemented after the ’98 season. That year, the Cats were ranked #3 after a Big 12 title game loss to aTm, but were sent to the Alamo Bowl. The two at-large BCS bids went to #4 Ohio State and #7 Florida, both of whose fans actually have access to an airport.
Like a bitch, K-State promptly proved its worth by losing to unranked Purdue in the bowl game. The BCS promised that no team could ever again finish 3rd and be denied a big-boy bowl bid. In practice, no #3 or #4 team since then has been so irrelevant that they needed to invoke the Kansas State Rule.
Since the turn of the millennium, K-State has…um…I don’t know. I can’t find any record of their games on any media outlet. (What? Six 11-win seasons in seven years? A Fiesta Bowl? Nuclear facilities? Nah…) I assume they were shitty the whole time.Q. Cupcake rating?
A. Before the early 90s, K-State had about as much success on the football field as a Bill Snyder recruit on the ACT. Since then, the only thing I remember about the Cats is their mushy gash of a bitch performance in the ’98 Alamo Bowl.
Once again, K-State is being a bunch of bitches about getting snubbed by the BCS, this time in favor of (lulz) Virginia Tech (because it’s so much easier to travel from Bumfucksburg, Virginia? Nice fanbase you have there!). Playing Joe Adams is unlikely to make them look like any less of a bitch. I expect an encore performance from Bill Snyder, only this time, he’s not playing some random, shitty Big Ten team.
The peripheral stats bear K-State out to be a shitty but extremely lucky team this year. If Klein pulls another miracle out of his ass in the Cotton Bowl, you’d better ditch the menthols and buy stock in whichever Jesus he and Tebow pray to, because no one is actually that lucky. In the JerryDome, the GeriCats will be exposed as the 6-6 team they really are (or would be if teh Jesus didn’t care so goddam much about college football). We’ve seen the high-water mark for K-State football; next year, they are merely the second-dickiest member of the Texas and its Bag’o’Dicks Conference. For this, I award K-State 2 cupcakes out of 5.
Petrino will make John Brown look like Mother Teresa. Fun fact:
In 2009, K-State and Iowa State
got in on the neutral venue craze, moving their annual game to Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City. The game moved back to campus after the 2010 game, which drew 38K fans on a beautiful 77-degree September afternoon.Q. That’s the wrong school again.
I’m not going to go back and change it.Q. Do you have two mind-blowing facts about K-State football that will make me question everything I thought I knew about the world and humanity’s place in the universe?Mind-frick fact of the game #1:
Kansas State (yes, Kansas State) is the only team in the Big 12 that has a winning record against Texas (7-5). Mind-frick fact of the game #2 (repeated for mind-fricking emphasis):
Kansas State (yes, Kansas State) did, in fact, win 11 games six times in seven seasons from 1997-2003. They parlayed that ridiculous run of success into becoming one of the foremost brands in international sport.Q. Does K-State have one of those queer Big 12 hand signals?
A. Yes! K-State cheerleaders enjoy flashing the Pistol hand sign. Q. Does Willie the Wildcat have any queer, environmentally-conscious sidekicks? And, will this answer actually be related to Kansas State?
A. Happily, yes to both!
While Willie the Wildcat typically amps up crowds of purple, his new sidekick will be encouraging K-Staters to go green. Meet EcoKat,
K-State's crusader of conservation and fanatic of fluorescent lightbulbs.
Along with Willie, the pair -- dubbed the EcoEnforcers -- has set out to reduce K-State's energy usage by 15 percent over the next four years by educating students about what they can do to cut back and conserve.Q. Who presided over a longer, uninterrupted period of above-average economic expansion: Clinton or Eisenhower?
A. Clinton.Q. Did you use Family Guy as your source for that?
A. No.Q. Did you?
A. Yes.Q. Who presided over a longer, uninterrupted period of above-average expansion of your cock: Clinton or Eisenhower?
A. Clinton, clearly.Q. Notable K-State alumnae, plz?
A. I don’t have a list of K-State alumnae, but I do have this list of people whom I don’t know NOT to be Kansas State alumnae.Lucinda Dickey,
actress, star of Cheerleader Camp
, Miss September 1971Keylee Sue Sanders
, Miss Teen USA 1995Erin Brockovich,
hot scheisterAmanda the Oregon CheerleaderKirstie Alley,
thread ruiner Q. I don’t think Amanda the Oregon Cheerleader went to K-State. In fact, I think she went to Oregon.
A. Oooo. That explains that pesky Oregon outfit she wears in many of her pictures.Q. What authentic Kansas beer do you recommend?
The intense flavors of dark-roasted malt in Boulevard’s rendition of the classic English porter are perfectly balanced by a generous and complex hop character. Bully! Porter
’s robust nature makes it the ideal companion to a variety of foods, from seafood to chocolate.Q. Can we end this with a plug for the hockey team?
This happens every holiday season. You get invited to the usual Christmastimas party, but you’ve been rocking the same sweet, 80s-tastic snowman sweater
for far too long. You need a fresh winter wardrobe.
And then you thought, “I wonder if I can buy a sweater with a fricking Arkansas A on it.
Lucky you! Muzzy has arranged the deal. $150, two sweaters. One for you, one for a Razorback player. You have a sweet new look, and the Razorbacks look awesome terrorizing Division II club ice hockey. Where else are you going to direct your Christmas charity…that puthy Angel Tree?
Pre-bowl thread commentary is welcome.